TEAM AMERICA -- SCREENPLAY
Directed by Trey Parker, Creator of South Park
directed by Trey Parker -- Illustrated Screenplay and Screencap Gallery
[Transcribed from the movie by Tara Carreon, ABOL Librarian]
TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE
PARIS, FRANCE: 3,635 MILES EAST OF AMERICA
PUPPETEER: Oh, hello.
[Mother] Jean Francois?
JEAN FRANCOIS: Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques, Dormez vous? Dormez vous?
MOTHER: Jean Francois.
TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE
[Police] You in the robes. Put
down the weapon of mass destruction ...
[Joe] Put down your weapons now!
[Chris] Why can't they ever do this the easy way?
[Carson] World Police. Get down on the ground!
[Lisa] Hey, terrorist.
[Chris] All right, let's make
[Carson] He's getting away with the WMD!
[Joe] I got him.
[Joe] Damn, I missed him.
[Carson] Sarah, he's got the bomb. You got a fix?
[Sarah] I got him, Carson.
He's heading for the Louvre.
[Carson] All right, Sarah.
[Joe] Yeah, all right, team!
[Sarah] Nothing to it.
[Chris] All right.
[Joe] Bonjour, everyone. Don't
worry. Everything is bon.
[Carson] I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here.
[Lisa] Oh, yeah? About what?
[Carson] I was thinking that I want you to marry me.
[Lisa] Don't joke about that.
[Carson] Who's joking?
[Joe] Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake.
[Sarah] He finally popped the question?
[Carson] Lisa, you're an
[Lisa] Oh, Carson. Carson ...
[Carson] Feel so cold.
[Lisa] You have to hang on, Carson.
[Carson] Sorry, babe. Looks like this was a one-way ticket.
[Carson] Lisa, you have to
theatre development fund
LEASE: THE MUSICAL
[Gary] Everyone has AIDS
[Woman] He died of AIDS
[Gary] Well, I'm gonna march
[Backup Singers] AIDS
[Gary] My sister
[Backup Singers] AIDS
[Gary] My uncle and my cousin and her best friend
[Backup Singers] AIDS, AIDS, AIDS!
[Gary] The gays and the straights and the whites and the spades
[Backup Singers] Everyone has AIDS
[Gary] My grandma and my dog Ole Blue
[Backup Singers] AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
[Gary] The Pope has got it and so do you
[Backup Singers] AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
[Gary] Come on, everybody, We got quilting to do
[Backup Singers] AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
[Gary] We're gonna break down these barricades
Singers] AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
[Steve] Great job, Gary.
[Gary] Thanks. You too, Steve.
[Man] That was the greatest acting I've ever seen.
[Man] I just don't know how
you do it, Gary.
[Gary] It's not that hard, really. I just think about the saddest moment in my life.
[Man] Man, wow. Gary is such a
[Spottswoode] Hello, young man. Congratulations on a terrific performance.
[Gary] Oh, thank you. I don't believe we've met, Mr ...?
[Spottswoode] The name is Spottswoode. [LC-1]
[Gary] Well, nice to meet you.
And you are Gary Johnston.
[Gary] Hey, hold on a second, are you from Hollywood?
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I
have an incredible offer for you, Gary. If you're interested, follow
me this way.
[Gary] Oh, I get it.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] No, I just want to show you something.
[Gary] Yeah, I'll bet you do.
[Gary] Jesus, this is a nice limo.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Yes, it is.
[Gary] All right, just what the hell is this about?
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I
hate to break this to you, Gary,
They're called terrorists, Gary.
[Gary] Why? What did I do to them? I'm just a Broadway actor.
It's not who you are, Gary, it's what you stand for.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Baxter, I think we can "valmorphanize" safely now.
[Gary] Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?
So then you haven't seen everything.
[Gary] And just what does this have to do with me?
Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist
[Gary] This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.
That's all spying is: acting. And they say you're the best.
[Gary] Look out!
Right this way, you maverick renegade.
[Joe] I've heard a lot about your acting, Mr. Johnston.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] And this is Sarah,
[Sarah] I sense that you're slightly confused right now.
[Chris] That's supposed to be Carson's replacement, a fucking actor?
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Don't mind Chris. He may be lacking
[Chris] That's right, actor. Just stay the fuck away from me.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] And finally, we have our psychology expert. Where's Lisa?
[Lisa] Right here.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think.
[Lisa] Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] We've been doing our best to keep the
world safe, Gary.
[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] That is affirmative.
[Sarah] The most sophisticated computer in the world.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] From what
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered,
[Gary] 9/11 times 100? Jesus, that's --
[Nihilist Penis] Yes, 91,000.
[Joe] Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] So now you see why we
[Gary] All right. Thanks.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Hmm.
[Lisa] Gary. Hey, hold on a second.
[Gary] How is it my responsibility to do something?
[Lisa] Because like it or not, you're the one with the power to do something.
[Gary] I can't fight terrorists. I don't know anything about guns or jets.
[Lisa] That doesn't matter. If
you wanna help people,
[Joe] What do you think Spottswoode sees in him?
[Lisa] I don't know. But I think I see it too.
[Gary] Hey, Baxter.
[Song] What would you do
NORTH KOREA, ASIA: 5,945 MILES WEST OF AMERICA [LC-2]
[Kim Jong Il] [Speaking in Korean]
[Translator] Our dear leader, Kim Jong Il, says the weapons of mass
[Chechnyan Terrorist] I am
still in the process of recruiting
[Kim Jong Il] Speaking in Korean]
[Translator] He asks what part of the deal you did not understand.
[Kim Jong Il] Do you have any
idea how fucking busy I am?
[Chechnyan] Perhaps we can be ready sooner.
[Kim Jong Il] Yes, perhaps you
[Gary] I had to come back.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I know you did, son.
[Chris] I still say this is a fucking mistake.
[Sarah] Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're making him feel intimidated.
Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.
[Gary] There's just one problem. I don't look Middle Eastern.
[Lisa] Sarah's a professional at skin grafting and laser "valmoriphication."
[Sarah] Just try to be still.
PROBOSCIS MODIFICATION ACTIVATED
MANDIBLE MODIFICATION ACTIVATED
IRIS PIGMENTATION ACTIVATED
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Amazing.
[Lisa] The valmoriphication completely worked.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Sit up and take a look, Gary.
[Joe] It's uncanny.
You're going to fool everyone, Gary.
[Joe] Cairo. That's in Egypt.
Exactly right, Joe.
[Chris] What if the old man is
wrong about him, huh?
[Joe] Why don't you trust actors, Chris?
[Chris] I got my reasons.
[Lisa] You all right, Gary?
[Gary] I was just thinking.
[Lisa] I believe you can do this, Gary.
[Gary] Why? What reason do you have to believe?
[Lisa] Sometimes believing is all we have.
CAIRO, MIDDLE EAST: 5,621 MILES EAST OF AMERICA
WE PROTECT, WE SERVE, WE CARE
[Sarah] Fear not, Muslim
friends. We're here to find terrorists.
[Joe] All right, good job, Sarah. Now, everyone make for the tavern.
[Chris] Let's get one thing
straight, actor. I don't trust you.
[Gary] What's your problem with me?
[Chris] Yeah, you wanna go?
[Joe] Guys, guys, guys!
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] All right, team, let's move to the inner city. Keep it quiet.
[Joe] Gary, you follow me. The
rest of the team,
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Go get them, cowboy.
[Muslim] Durkah Allah Muhamad Jihad.
[Muslim] Bhagara, Muhamad
[Chris] Oh, shit.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Come on, Gary, act. You have the power.
[Gary] Bak, durk durk allah. Durka durka Mohamad Jihad. Haka sherpa sherpa bakala.
[Muslim] Oh, durka, durka, durka.
[Sarah] All right, Gary!
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Told you he was top gun.
[Joe] I've never seen acting that good.
[Lisa] He's amazing.
[Terrorist] Yeah, no, I know. It's terrible, terrible.
[Rebel] We are Bashir rebels from the country of Somalia. Who are you?
[Gary] My name is Hakmed. I'm
[Sarah] I sense that I'm becoming attracted to Gary.
[Lisa] My advice is not to get
involved with a team member, Sarah.
[Sarah] I'm sorry, Lisa. I didn't mean to bring up --
[Lisa] It's okay, Sarah. I treasure your friendship.
[Sarah] I treasure yours, Lisa.
[Chris] Hey, have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel?
[Joe] What would a girl like
Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me?
[Men] [Talking Muslim]
[Terrorist] [Speaking Muslim]
[Chechnyan] What do you know?
[Gary] I heard there might be
a large terrorist attack.
[Chechnyan] Get out of here.
We have put out a jihad on the infidels
[Gary's brother] Gary. Help
me! Help me!
[Gary] I was just a boy when
the infidels came to my village
[Chechnyan] I like you. You
[Terrorist] [In Muslim]
[Chechnyan] Come. They're onto
[Joe] Shit. I've got five terrorists going southeast on Baka laka daka Street.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Don't let them get away.
[Sarah] I sense Gary's trapped inside the tavern.
[Joe] Copy, Sarah. You get Gary, we'll go after the terrorists.
[Chechnyan] Go faster, you idiot.
[Terrorist] Die! Infidels!
[Joe] They're not stopping.
[Chris] They had their chance.
[Joe] One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.
[Gary] It's me. It's me.
[Joe] Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me. Kiss me."
[Chris] Smartass motherfucker.
[Terrorist] An infidel.
[Chris] What you got, Sarah?
[Sarah] Gary isn't in the tavern. I think he may be with --
[Joe] Say again. You're breaking up.
[Sarah] Joe, do you copy?
[Lisa] I'll get him.
[Joe] I lost her.
[Chris] It's all right. We'll kill these guys, then we'll find out what she wants.
[Gary] Hey, guys, I think we should pull over.
[Chechnyan] Pull over? Yes, of
[Terrorist] I love your balls.
[Chris] Shit, they got by me.
[Gary] What are we doing?
[Chechnyan] This jeep is
filled with explosives.
[Gary] We're gonna what?
[Chris] Hang on, Joe.
[Chechnyan] Die, infidels.
[Chris] Surprise, cockfags!
[Chris] All right. We fucking did it.
[Lisa] Spottswood, it's Lisa. Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.
This is breaking news with Peter Jennings.
[Peter Jennings] Team America
has once again pissed off the entire world
[Alec Baldwin] The Film Actors
[Tim Robbins] Let me explain
to you how this works.
[Sean Penn] Last year I went
[Peter Jennings] The actors
are calling for an emergency meeting.
[Matt Damon] "Matt Damon."
[General] Sir, Hans Blix is here from the United Nations.
[Kim John Il] Hans Brix? Oh,
[Hans Blix] Mr. Il, I was
supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today,
[Kim Jong Il] Hans, Hans,
Hans. We've been through this a dozen times.
[Hans Blix] Then let me look around so I can ease the U.N.'s collective mind.
[Kim Jong Il] Hans, you're breaking my barrs here. Hans, you're breaking my barrs.
[Hans Blix] I'm sorry, but the
U.N. must be firm with you.
[Kim Jong Il] Or else what?
[Hans Blix] Or else we will be
very, very angry with you.
[Kim Jong Il] Okay, I'll show
you, Hans. You ready?
Congratulations, Gary. You've done an amazing thing.
[Joe] We're gonna be unstoppable with you on the team, Gary.
[Sarah] You're the best, Gary.
[Joe] So this terrorist is shooting at us from the back of his jeep, and he ...
[Chris] You might have all the
others fooled, but not me.
[Joe] Hey, Sarah, do you mind if I dance with you?
[Sarah] No, of course not,
[Joe] Sarah, really?
[Sarah] Yeah. Do you think it's all right?
[Joe] I think it's better than all right. It's great!
[Sarah] Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.
[Owl Sounds] [Whoo, whoo, whoo] [Minerva/Lisa approaching]
[Lisa] Gary? You okay?
[Gary] I was just wondering if I can let go of an old, painful memory.
[Lisa] Is it anything that you wanna talk about?
[Gary] When I was a kid, I
always looked up to my older brother, Tommy.
[Lisa] Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.
[Gary] I think I can finally
let it go.
[Gary] I met somebody who took my breath away.
[Lisa] Gary, no.
[Gary] I'm sorry.
[Lisa] It's just ... Things are really complicated, Gary.
[Gary] I know about Carson.
[Lisa] God, I'm so confused.
[Gary] Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.
[Lisa] But I have to control
[Gary] So -- So, what, you're
just gonna shut down?
[Lisa] Only if you could promise me you'll never die.
[Gary] You know I can't promise that.
[Lisa] If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
[Gary] I promise. I will never die.
[Song] I need this, I need love, I need you.
[Gary] Lisa, you're the most
amazing person I've ever met.
[Lisa] Shhh ...
[Gary] I can't help it. This
just feels so right,
PANAMA CANAL, CENTRAL AMERICA: 2,193 MILES SOUTH OF THE REAL AMERICA
Team, I'm afraid I have bad news.
[Sarah] But how can that be?
It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong.
[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] I'm sorry.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] We have to find out who did this and take them down. Fast.
[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] Sir, I am intercepting communications about the terrorists' identities.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] On screen.
This is breaking news with Peter Jennings.
[Peter Jennings] An attack in
Panama today has left thousands dead.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Of course, Derka Derkastan.
[Peter Jennings] The
terrorists claim that the attack was a retaliation
[Gary] Alec Baldwin?
[Gary] He's my hero.
[Alec Baldwin] Who is to blame
for these attacks in Panama?
[Peter Jennings] Moved by
Baldwin's impassioned speech,
[Sarah] Hey, that's here.
[Peter Jennings] Tom, it looks
like filmmaker Michael Moore
["Michael Moore"] Protesting
is not enough.
Team, if the Derka Derkastanis have weapons of mass destruction,
[Sarah] Jesus, you mean ...?
[Chris] Then forget all these assholes. We got work to do.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized so he can use his acting.
[Gary] My acting?
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Pull yourself together, Gary. We need you now more than ever.
[Gary] I'm through with this.
Gary, you can't go.
[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] Yes, there is.
[Lisa] I know it's hard, Gary.
[Gary] Why me? Why am I the only one?
[Lisa] Because you're the one with the power to --
[Gary] Well, I don't want the
[Lisa] Then what about all the
things you promised last night?
[Gary] I said I'd never die. But now I'm dead inside.
[Sarah] You slept with Gary?
[Sarah] But you knew I liked
[Joe] You like Gary?
[Lisa] I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah.
[Sarah] Save it, Lisa.
[Gary] You see? All I do is hurt people.
[Lisa] Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.
[Gary] I'm sorry I'm not the
man you think I am.
[Chris] Fuck him. We don't
need an actor.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] No. It would be a suicide mission.
[Joe] That's all right. I feel a little bit like dying.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Goddamn it, Gary.
[Song] America Fuck, yeah
[Gary's brother] Gary! Help me! Get this thing off of me! Gary!
[Joe] All right, team. We're
nearing Derka Derkastan.
[Terrorist] I Derka derka.
[Terrorist] I Mohamad Ali.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] There's only five of them, team. This should be easy.
[Lisa] I've got Korean aircraft at 1 o'clock.
[Sarah] What are they doing here?
[Korean] [Speaking Korean]
[Kim Jong Il] Shoot them down. Rike dogs.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Kim Jong Il? Why is he helping terrorists?
[Sarah] I've got one on my tail!
[Korean] [Speaking in Korean]
[Joe] I got you, Sarah.
[Kim Jong Il] Bring in the submarines.
[Sarah] What the hell? Something's shooting at us from the water.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] It must be a Korean sub.
[Joe] Chris, you've gotta take them out.
[Chris] I'm already on it.
[Lisa] These guys really snuck up on us.
[Sarah] Yeah, there's a lot of that going around lately.
[Lisa] Sarah, you know I didn't mean to hurt you.
[Sarah] No, you just didn't care if you did.
[Joe] Now, come on, Sarah,
that isn't fair.
[Sarah] What is that supposed to mean?
[Chris] Oh, come on, Sarah.
You mean you never realized
[Sarah] Joe? But you're like a brother to me.
[Joe] That's all I ever am. Like a brother. It isn't fair.
[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] INTRUDER ALERT
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Hang on,
team. Someone has broken into the hangar.
["Michael Moore"] Hey, Team America.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] What the hell?
["Michael Moore"] Prepare to die.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Jesus
[Joe] Oh, my God!
[Lisa] No. He can't be dead.
[Kim Jong Il] Their computers are
[Sarah] I sense I'm going down.
[Joe] Sarah! God, Chris, you gotta help her.
[Chris] I'm on it. Just hang on,
[Lisa] Chris, come in.
[Lisa] Going down.
[Chris] Goddamn it,
[Lisa] I'm gonna hit the water.
[Joe] Missile lock. I've got missile
[Kim Jong Il] Salvage their ships. If
you find anyone arive, you know what to do with them.
["Terrorist"] We were angry about Cairo.
[Kim Jong Il] Goddamn it, how many
times do I have to tell you?
[Song] Why aren't more people
interrigent? Rike me?
would you do
weren't you the actor in that Broadway show?
[Gary] I don't act anymore. I gave that up.
[Man] Oh, come on, man, just a scene.
[Gary] I said,
get away from me!
[Old Man] Easy, easy. You gotta calm down there, Chuck.
[Gary] I hurt people. I'm a dick.
Well, being a dick ain't so bad.
All right, that does it. Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.
out of the street, you fucking bum!
My fellow actors, we live in a dark time.
The time has come for us to start using our acting talents
[Ethan Hawke] Yes, we can use our powers to change the world.
[Tim Robbins] We will persuade everyone to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.
[Liv Tyler] If
we focus our acting on global politics,
Garofalo] As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers
[Matt Damon] Matt Damon.
Clooney] We've all done action films.
I'm glad you all agree.
[Matt Damon] Matt Damon!
[Alec Baldwin] Say hello to our new partner.
[Kim Jong Il] Herro.
[Joe] Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!
[Chris] I'm gonna fucking kill you!
[Kim Jong Il] You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red, white and brue friend.
[Lisa] So you're the bastard planning 9/11 times 1,000.
[Kim Jong Il]
No. You think so small.
[Chris] My God, that's -- I don't even know what that is.
[Kim Jong Il] Nobody does.
[Joe] You heartless bastard. Why would you do such a thing?
[Kim Jong il]
Because then there will be barance.
plan will fail.
[Kim Jong Il] Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin.
[Joe] Dear God.
[Kim Jong Il]
You are the rast of a dying breed, the frag-waving American.
[Lisa] Having so little faith in humanity must make you a very lonely man.
[Kim Jong Il]
You shall have a front-row seat.
her alone, you son of a bitch!
[Joe] Somebody has to stop this!
miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark
[Gary] Oh, my
God. What the hell happened?
[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] Greetings, Mr. Johnston.
[Gary] I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., what the hell happened?
[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel.
[Gary] But where's the team?
[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] They have been taken prisoner by Kim Jong
Il in North Korea.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Don't move, protester, or I'll blow your commie brains out.
[Gary] Nihilist Penis [Spottswoode].
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Johnston?
[Gary] No! The team is in North Korea.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I know. And so are the triggers to WMDs
poised all around the globe.
[Gary] You'll kill them all.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] It's what they would want me to do,
[Gary] There has to be another way.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong Il.
[Gary] Let me go.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] You? You're a buttfucking quitter.
[Gary] I know
I walked out, but I'd do anything to take it back.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] You've done enough.
[Gary] Please, Spottswoode, you have to believe in me.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I want to believe in you, Gary, I
[Gary] Please, how can I make you trust me?
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I remember the first time we met.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] And now the tables are turned, and I don't know if I can trust you.
[Gary] Just give me a chance.
All right, I'll trust you.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Right here, right now.
[Gary] You can't be serious.
Oh, I am serious.
[Gary] What will that prove?
It will prove that you are truly ready
[Gary] No. I thought you weren't gay.
This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust.
[Gary] There must be another way.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I guess you won't do everything to take it all back, will you, Gary?
[Gary] No, no, no. Wait, wait,
I'll give you all the time I can.
[Gary] How we gonna do that?
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I think I know just what we need.
[Song] The hour's approaching
to give it your best
[Kim Jong Il] Radies and
[Korean Soldiers] [Singing in Korean]
[Korean Lady] [Singing in Korean]
[Kim Jong Il] Ten years of
pranning, and finarry the night is here.
[Lisa] Your plan will never work. Something will stop it.
[Kim Jong Il] You stupid,
naive Team Americans.
[Lisa] Sometimes believing is all we have.
[Alec Baldwin] And as the
leaders of your countries, you have the power
[Danny Glover] You're gonna knock them dead, Alec.
Ten minutes, Mr. Baldwin.
[Korean Policeman] Who the hell you?
[Gary] I'm with the Film Actors Guild. I'm here to help with the broadcast.
[Korean Policeman] Then you show credentials.
[Gary] Hey, you don't need to
see my credentials.
[Korean Policeman] I berieve him.
[Korean Policeman] Yeah, me too.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] My God, his acting is better than ever.
[Gary] Don't worry, fellas, I've got my pass right here.
[Joe] Please, Mr. Sheen, Mr.
[Martin Sheen] Shut up. We have explicit instructions to watch you.
[Tim Robbins] Yeah. We're supposed to be guards.
[Martin Sheen] We're guards.
[Tim Robbins] We're guards, huh? We're guards.
[Martin Sheen] We're guards.
[Police] Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins. Someone has broken into the main hall.
[Tim Robbins] What? Come on, Martin!
[Chris] What the fuck are you doing here?
[Gary] Guys, are you all right? Where's Lisa?
[Joe] What the heck do you care? You walked out on her.
[Gary] Look, I wanna make
[Sarah] Spottswoode is dead, Gary.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Not as dead as you think.
[Sarah] All right, you're alive!
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Great to hear your voices again.
[Chris] I'm not going anywhere with this fucking traitor.
[Joe] What makes you think we'll take you back, douchebag?
[Chris] We're doing this without you!
Now, hold on, team.
[Joe] All right. Come on, team, we gotta find that stage.
[Kim Jong Il] Rook how much
they rove my show. The entire audience is so captivated.
[Lisa] It's what?
[Kim Jong Il] Inevita -- Inevitabre.
[Lisa] One more time.
[Kim Jong Il] Inevitabre!
Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin.
[Alec Baldwin] Thank you.
[Martin Sheen] Alec, we have a problem.
[Tim Robbins] Team America escaped.
[Alec Baldwin] What? You fools. They'll ruin everything.
[Helen Hunt] We better warn everyone. They'll be headed here.
[Alec Baldwin] If violence is
all those bastards understand, then violence they'll get.
[Sean Penn] Qapla!
[Tim Robbins] I swear they won't reach this stage.
[Chris] Jesus! What have we got?
[Joe] Looks like George Clooney and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.
[Sarah] Look out, it's Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo.
[George Clooney decapitated]
[Chris] Drop your weapons.
[Ethan Hawke blown to pieces]
[Janeane Garofolo] Fucking die!
[Janeane Garofolo's head blown off]
[Joe] We gotta split up.
[Sarah] No, I think I'd rather team up with you, Joe.
[Chris] I guess you're with me, cockfag.
[Sarah] Danny Glover!
[Danny Glover] Come on, Penn.
[Sean Penn] Right.
[Sarah] The stage must be that way.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!
[Sean Penn] Very impressive,
[Chris] Susan Sarandon.
[Susan Sarandon] Oh, thank
[Chris] All right.
[Joe] No, Chris, stay away from her.
[Chris] Fuck you. She wants to help us.
[Gary] No, Chris, she's acting.
[Susan Sarandon] I am not. The others tied me up
[Gary] Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.
[Susan Sarandon] You shall die a peasant's death!
[Susan Sarandon splat on the pavement]
[Chris] Jesus titty-fucking
[Gary] That's why they call it acting. Come on, we gotta find Lisa.
[Chris] I was 19 years old
when the musical Cats came to our town.
[Gary] That's why you don't trust actors.
[Chris] I'm sorry I've been so
hard on you.
[Joe] Sarah, before we die, I want to finally tell you that I love you.
[Sarah] No. No, I'm not gonna
let it end like this.
[Joe] Sarah, that isn't going to work. You don't really have mental powers.
[Sarah] Your captors are behind you, Shebas. Show your anger to them.
[Sean Penn] [Laughs]
[Danny Glover decapitated]
[Sean Penn neck torn out]
[Gary] Wait. Hold on.
[Tim Robbins] Actors, ho!
[Helen Hunt] Helen Hunt.
[Samuel Jackson] Samuel Jackson.
[Matt Damon] Matt Damon.
[Samuel Jackson] Motherfucker.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Gary, Chris, come in.
[Kim Jong Il] And now, radies and gentlemen, Mr. Arec Barrwin.
[Alec Baldwin] We are here to
usher in a new era without violence.
[Kim Jong Il] Yes, Arec Barrwin. Too bad there won't be a world reft.
[Lisa] Oh, God, no.
[Kim Jong Il] You see? No
Prince Charming rode on a white stallion to save the day.
[Tim Robbins] Sorry, Team America, but you see, we must live in a time of peace.
[Joe] Put down the gas can now.
[Tim Robbins] Kill them.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Team, you've got to hurry.
[Helen Hunt] Let's go, bitch.
I've done action films.
[Matt Damon] Matt Damon!
[Helen Hunt cut in half]
[Samuel Jackson] Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me.
[Samuel Jackson decapitateed]
[Tim Robbins] Don't fucking
[Chris] I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins.
[Tim Robbins] What's that?
[Chris] I'm a smoker.
[Tim Robbins] [Screaming as he's burned to death]
[Alec Baldwin] Now that the
world is going to be run peacefully,
[Kim Jong Il] Right now
famiries are gathering in parks,
[Gary] Stop that man.
[Kim Jong Il] Team America?
[Alec Baldwin] Goddamn it.
[Joe] Sorry to interrupt the
show everyone, but Kim Jong Il
[Alec Baldwin] Oh, no, you're
[Man] Fuck off, Team America!
Team, there's no time. You have to convince that audience
[Joe] Gary, you've got to take the stage.
[Gary] No. I can't upstage
[Joe] You have to try.
[Gary] I'm not that good.
[Chris] Actually ...
[Lisa] Come on, Gary, hurry. You've got to act fast.
[Gary] I know you all don't
like Team America a whole lot right now,
[English woman throws a tomato]
[Alec Baldwin] You can't outact me, boy. Don't even try.
[Gary] Oh, no, we aren't.
[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Yes, Gary, yes.
[Gary] And it takes a pussy to
show them that.
[Uganda Man] Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong Il.
[Kim Jong Il] Do something, Arec Barrwin!
[Alec Baldwin] The -- Global warming and -- Corporate America --
[Kim Jong Il] You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.
[Kim Jong Il] Don't fucking
move! You were all going to be treated
[Kim Jong Il] And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have rived.
[Lisa] Terrorize this.
[Gary] Lisa, are you okay?
[Lisa] No, Gary, the
[Gary] What do I do?
[Lisa] Hit the big "cancel"
[Gary] Spottswoode helped me.
[Lisa] Spottswoode? He's alive?
[Gary] Lisa, I'm crazy about you. Will you please forgive me if I --?
[Lisa] Shhh. You had me at "dicks fuck assholes."
Attention, Attention, everyone.
Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is.
[Lisa] Wait a minute. Look!
[Kim Jong Il] You have not
heard the rast of Kim Jong Il.
[Gary] We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong Il.
[Chris] All right, you guys, I
hate to break up this little party,
[Gary] Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.
[Lisa] Fuck, yeah.
[Gary] Fuck, yeah.
DIRECTED BY TREY PARKER
WRITTEN BY TREY PARKER & MATT
STONE & PAM BRADY
PRODUCED BY SCOTT RUDIN, TREY
PARKER, MATT STONE
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: SCOTT
AVERSANO, ANNE GAREFINO
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: BILL
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: JIM DULTZ
EDITED BY THOMAS M. VOGT
COSTUME DESIGNER: KAREN PATCH
VISUAL CONSULTANT: DAVID ROCKWELL
MUSIC SCORE BY HARRY GREGSON-WILLIAMS
CO-PRODUCERS: MICHAEL POLAIRE,
A SCOTT RUDIN MATT STONE
A TREY PARKER FILM
TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE
[LC-1] "Team America" is a modern-day "Protocols of Zion." Same real, hidden actors (Skull & Bones) blaming the Muslims (and Koreans) for everything they themselves are behind and are planning (bombing the world back to the Stone Age). And of course, they wanted to give you a clue: "Spottswoode". They hate it when no one knows.
The Protocols [of the Learned Elders of Zion] have attracted much attention in Europe, having become the center of an important storm of opinion in England only recently, but discussion of them in the United States has been limited. These are the documents concerning which the Department of Justice was making inquiries more than a year ago, and which were given publication in London by Eyre and Spottiswoode, the official printers to the British Government.
RUSSIANS EXPOSE US-UK TERROR ROLE AFTER SCHOOL MASSACRE
In early September, 2004, terrorists attacked a school in Beslan, North Ossetia, in the Russian Federation. Before this hostage crisis was over, more than 300 people, over half of them children, were killed. On Monday. September 6, Russian President Vladimir Putin made remarks to the western press which exposed the key role of the US and British governments in backing Chechen terrorism. Whatever Putin's previous role in events regarding Chechnya, his post-Beslan political posture tended to undercut the legitimacy of the supposed Anglo-American "war on terror," and pointed up the hypocrisy of the Bush regime's pledge that it would make no distinction between the terrorists and those who harbor them -- since Washington and London were currently harboring Chechens implicated in terrorism. All in all, Putin's response to the Chechen events, on the eve of the third anniversary of 9/11, brought the collapse of the official 9/11 myth measurably closer. The hypocritical terror demagogy of Bush and Blair was now undercut by the head of state of another permanent member of the UN Security Council.
On Monday September 6, Putin spoke for three and one half hours with a group of some 30 western correspondents and Russia experts at his dacha near Novo Ogarevo outside Moscow. Most US press ignored these remarks. Putin, a KGB veteran who knew whereof he spoke, told the gathering that the school massacre showed that "certain western political circles would like to weaken Russia, just as the Romans wanted to destroy Carthage." He thus suggested that the US and UK, not content with having bested Russia in the Cold War, now wanted to proceed to the dismemberment and total destruction of Russia -- a Carthaginian peace like the one the Romans finally imposed at the end of the Punic Wars in 146 BC, when they poured salt into the earth at Carthage so nothing would ever grow there again. (Le Monde, September 8, 2004) There was no link between Russian policy in Chechnya and the hostage-taking in Beslan, said Putin, meaning that the terrorists were using the Chechen situation as a pretext to attack Russia. According to a paraphrase in Le Monde: "The aim of this international terrorism, supported more or less openly by foreign states, whose names the Russian president does not want to name, is to weaken Russia from the inside, by criminalizing its economy, by provoking its disintegration through propagating separatism in the Caucasus and the transformation of the region into a military staging ground (place d'armes) for actions directed against the Russian Federation."
"Mr. Putin," continued Le Monde, "restated the accusation he had launched in a veiled form against western countries which appear to him to use double-talk. On the one side, their leaders assure the Russian President of their solidarity in the fight against terrorism. On the other hand, the intelligence services and the military -- 'who have not abandoned their Cold War prejudices,' in Putin's words -- maintain contacts with those the international press calls the 'rebels.' 'Why are those who emulate Bin Laden called terrorists and the people who kill children, rebels? Where is the logic?' asked Vladimir Putin, and then gave the answer: 'Because certain political circles in the West want to weaken Russia just like the Romans wanted to destroy Carthage.' 'But, continued Putin, "we will not allow this scenario to come to pass."' Le Monde went on: "This is, according to [Putin] a bad calculation, because Russia is a factor of stability. By weakening it, the Cold War nostalgics are clearly acting against the interests of their own country." In Putin's words: "We are the sincere champions of this cooperation [against terrorism], we are open and loyal partners. But if foreign services have contacts with the 'rebels,' they cannot be treated as reliable allies, as Russia is for them." (Daniel Vernet, "M. Poutine accuse et s'explique sur sa 'guerre totale' au terrorisme," Le Monde, September 8, 2004)
In Guardian correspondent Jonathan Steele's account of the meeting with Putin, the Russian President gave this response to the US and UK on the question of negotiating with the Chechen guerrillas of Asian Maskhadov: "Why don't you meet Osama bin Laden, invite him to Brussels or to the White House and engage in talks, ask him what he wants and give it to him so he leaves you in peace? You find it possible to set some limitations in your dealings with these bastards, so why should we talk to people who are child-killers?" (London Guardian, September 7, 2004)
On Saturday, September 4, Putin had delivered a national television address to the Russian people on the Beslan tragedy, which had left more than 300 dead, over half of them children. The main thrust was that terrorism constitutes international proxy warfare against Russia. Among other things Putin said: "In general, we need to admit that we did not fully understand the complexity and the dangers of the processes at work in our own country and in the world. In any case, we proved unable to react adequately. We showed ourselves to be weak, and the weak get beaten." "Some people would like to tear from us a tasty morsel. Others are helping them. They are helping, reasoning that Russia still remains one of the world's major nuclear powers, and as such still represents a threat to them. And so they reason that this threat should be removed. Terrorism, of course, is just an instrument to achieve these gains." "What we are dealing with, are not isolated acts intended to frighten us, not isolated terrorist attacks. What we are facing is direct intervention of international terror directed against Russia. This is a total, cruel and full- scale war that again and again is taking the lives of our fellow citizens." (Kremlin.ru, September 6, 2004; EIR, September 7, 2004)
Around the time of 9/11, Putin had pointed to open recruitment of Chechen terrorists going on in London, telling a German interviewer: "In London, there is a recruitment station for people wanting to join combat in Chechnya. Today -- not officially, but effectively in the open -- they are talking there about recruiting volunteers to go to Afghanistan." (Focus -- German weekly newsmagazine, September 2001) In addition, it is generally known in well-informed European circles that the leaders of the Chechen rebels were trained by the CIA, and that the Chechens were backed by US- sponsored anti-Russian fighters from Afghanistan. In the summer of 2004, US-UK backed Chechens destroyed two Russian airliners and attacked a Moscow subway station, in addition to the school atrocity.
Some aspects of Putin's thinking were further explained by a press interview given by Aslambek Aslakhanov, the Chechen politician who was one of Putin's official advisors. A dispatch from RIA Novosti reported Aslakhanov's comments as follows: "The terrorists who seized the school in Beslan, North Ossetia, took their orders from abroad. 'They were talking with people not from Russia, but from abroad. They were being directed,' said Aslambek Aslakhanov, advisor to the President of the Russian Federation. 'It is the desire of our "friends" -- in quotation marks -- who have probably for more than a decade been carrying out enormous, titanic work, aimed at dismembering Russia. These people have worked very hard, and the fact that the financing comes from there and that they are the puppet masters, is also clear." Aslakhanov, who was named by the terrorists as one of the people they were going to hold talks with, also told RIA Novosti that the bid for such "talks" was completely phony. He said that the hostage-takers were not Chechens. When he talked to them, by phone, in Chechen, they demanded that he talk Russian, and the ones he spoke with had the accents of other North Caucasus ethnic groups. (RIA Novosti, September 6, 2004; EIR, September 7, 2004)
On September 7, RIA Novosti reported on the demand of the Russian Foreign Ministry that two leading Chechen figures be extradited from London and Washington to stand
trial in Russia. A statement from the Russia Foreign Ministry's Department of Information and Press indicated that Russia would put the United States and Britain on the spot about extraditing two top Chechen separatist officials who had been given asylum in Washington and London, respectively. They were Akhmad Zakayev, known as a "special representative" of Asian Maskhadov (currently enjoying asylum in London), and Ilyas Akhmadov, the "Foreign Minister" of the unrecognized "Chechen Republic- Ichkeria" (then residing in the USA). (RIA Novosti, September 7, 2004; EIR, September 8, 2004)
"SCHOOL SEIZURE WAS PLANNED IN WASHINGTON AND LONDON"
This was the headline of an even more explicit unsigned commentary by the Russian news agency KMNews.ru. This analysis blamed the Beslan school massacre squarely on the U.S. and British intelligence agencies. The point of departure here was that Shamil Basayev, the brutal Chechen field commander, had been linked to the attack (something that Putin advisor Aslambek Aslakhanov had said was known to the Russian FSB, successor of the KGB). The article highlighted the recent rapprochement of London and Washington with key representatives of Asian Maskhadov: Britain's giving asylum to Akhmad Zakayev (December 2003) and the USA's welcoming Ilyas Akhmadov (August 2004). Basayev, viewed in European circles as a straight-out CIA agent, openly claimed responsibility for the school massacre almost two weeks after the fact.
KMNews: CHECHEN TERROR BOSS ON US STATE DEPARTMENT PAYROLL
The Russian news agency KMNews wrote: "In early August ... 'Minister of Foreign Affairs of the Chechen Republic-lchkeria' Ilyas Akhmadov received political asylum in the USA. And for his 'outstanding services,' Akhmadov received a Reagan-Fascell grant," including a monthly stipend, medical insurance, and a well-equipped office with all necessary support services, including the possibility of meetings with political circles and leading U.S. media. "What about our partners in the 'anti-terrorist coalition,' who provided asylum, offices and money to Maskhadov's representatives?" asked the Russian press agency. Citing the official expressions of sympathy and offers of help from President Bush, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, and State Department spokesman Richard Boucher, KMNews warned: "But let's not shed tears of gratitude just yet. First we should ask: were 'Special Representative of the President of CRI' Zakayev or 'Minister of Foreign Affairs of the CRI' Akhmadov, located in Great Britain and the USA, aware of the terrorist acts that were in preparation? Beyond a doubt ...nd let's also find out, how Akhmadov is spending the money provided by the Reagan-Fascell Foundation. We note: this Foundation is financed by the U.S. Congress through the budget of the State Department! "Thus, the conclusion is obvious. Willingly or not, Downing Street and the White House provoked the guerrillas to these latest attacks. Willingly or not, Great Britain and the USA have nurtured the separatists with material, information and diplomatic resources. Willingly or not, the policy of London and Washington fostered the current terrorist acts." "As the ancients said, cui bono? Perhaps we are too hasty with such sweeping accusations against our 'friends' and 'partners'? Is there a motive for the Anglo-American 'anti-terrorist coalition' to fan the fires of terror in the North Caucasus?" "Alas, there is a motive. It is no secret, that the West is vitally interested in maintaining instability in the Caucasus. That makes it easier to pump out the fossil fuel extracted in the Caspian region, and it makes it easier to control Georgia and Azerbaijan, and to exert influence on Armenia. Finally, it makes it easier to drive Russia out of the Caspian and the Caucasus. Divide et impera! -- the leaders of the Roman Empire already introduced this simple formula for subjugation."