"It is generally known in well-informed European circles that the leaders of the Chechen rebels were trained by the CIA, and that the Chechens were backed by US-sponsored anti-Russian fighters from Afghanistan. In the summer of 2004, US-UK backed Chechens destroyed two Russian airliners and attacked a Moscow subway station, in addition to the school atrocity." -- "9/11 Synthetic Terror Made in USA," by Webster Griffin Tarpley

Team America, directed by Trey Parker -- Illustrated Screenplay and Screencap Gallery
Team America? -- One Sick Movie! by Charles Carreon
Team America Sick Lyrics, by Trey Parker
Slavery, Fuck Yeah! by Trey Parker
Southern Man, by Neil Young
Why Do They Hate Us?, by George Bush

[Transcribed from the movie by Tara Carreon, ABOL Librarian]

TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE

PARIS, FRANCE: 3,635 MILES EAST OF AMERICA

PUPPETEER: Oh, hello.

[Mother] Jean Francois?
Jean Francois?

JEAN FRANCOIS: Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques, Dormez vous? Dormez vous?

MOTHER: Jean Francois.

TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE

[Police] You in the robes. Put down the weapon of mass destruction ...
and get on the ground. You're under arrest.

[Joe] Put down your weapons now!

[Chris] Why can't they ever do this the easy way?

[Carson] World Police. Get down on the ground!

[Lisa] Hey, terrorist.
Terrorize this.

[Chris] All right, let's make this interesting.
You lose.

[Carson] He's getting away with the WMD!

[Joe] I got him.

[Joe] Damn, I missed him.

[Carson] Sarah, he's got the bomb. You got a fix?

[Sarah] I got him, Carson. He's heading for the Louvre.
Your plans are over.

[Carson] All right, Sarah.

[Joe] Yeah, all right, team!

[Sarah] Nothing to it.

[Chris] All right.

[Joe] Bonjour, everyone. Don't worry. Everything is bon.
We stopped the terrorists.

[Carson] I was doing a lot of thinking on the ride over here.

[Lisa] Oh, yeah? About what?

[Carson] I was thinking that I want you to marry me.

[Lisa] Don't joke about that.

[Carson] Who's joking?

[Joe] Joe to Sarah. Looks like we may need to order up a wedding cake.

[Sarah] He finally popped the question?

[Carson] Lisa, you're an amazing woman.
And a damn fine cop. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

[Lisa] Oh, Carson. Carson ...
Carson!
No!
Carson.

[Carson] Feel so cold.

[Lisa] You have to hang on, Carson.

[Carson] Sorry, babe. Looks like this was a one-way ticket.

[Lisa] No.

[Carson] Lisa, you have to live on.
Find someone else who will love you. Find someone else and be happy.
You deserve ...

[Lisa] No!
No!
No!

theatre development fund

LEASE: THE MUSICAL

[Gary] Everyone has AIDS
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
Everyone has AIDS
And so this is the end of our story
And everyone is dead from AIDS
It took from me my best friend
My only true pal
My only bright star

[Woman] He died of AIDS

[Gary] Well, I'm gonna march on Washington
Lead the fight and charge the brigades
There's a hero inside all of us
I'll make them see Everyone has AIDS
My father

[Backup Singers] AIDS

[Gary] My sister

[Backup Singers] AIDS

[Gary] My uncle and my cousin and her best friend

[Backup Singers] AIDS, AIDS, AIDS!

[Gary] The gays and the straights and the whites and the spades

[Backup Singers] Everyone has AIDS

[Gary] My grandma and my dog Ole Blue

[Backup Singers] AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

[Gary] The Pope has got it and so do you

[Backup Singers] AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

[Gary] Come on, everybody, We got quilting to do

[Backup Singers] AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

[Gary] We're gonna break down these barricades
Everyone has

[Backup Singers] AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS
AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

[Audience] [Clapping]

[Steve] Great job, Gary.

[Gary] Thanks. You too, Steve.

[Man] That was the greatest acting I've ever seen.

[Man] I just don't know how you do it, Gary.
How do you make yourself so somber and emotional
to make everybody cry like that?

[Gary] It's not that hard, really. I just think about the saddest moment in my life.

[Man] Man, wow. Gary is such a great guy.

[Gary's Brother] Gary. Oh, no. Help me! Help me!
Get off of me! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

[Spottswoode] Hello, young man. Congratulations on a terrific performance.

[Gary] Oh, thank you. I don't believe we've met, Mr ...?

[Spottswoode] The name is Spottswoode. [LC-1]

[Gary] Well, nice to meet you.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] And you are Gary Johnston.
An American actor who graduated Iowa University summa cum laude
with a double major in theatre and world languages.
You've been at the top of every acting class since you were a child.
Top-gun actor.

[Gary] Hey, hold on a second, are you from Hollywood?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I have an incredible offer for you, Gary. If you're interested, follow me this way.
Please, Gary, step into my car.

[Gary] Oh, I get it.
I'm supposed to get in your car and let you put your finger inside me.
Then if I go down on you, I get a movie part.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] No, I just want to show you something.

[Gary] Yeah, I'll bet you do.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Please, Gary.
I'm not from Hollywood.
I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is extremely valuable.

[Gary] Jesus, this is a nice limo.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Yes, it is.
Now, suck my cock.
Just kidding.

[Gary] All right, just what the hell is this about?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I hate to break this to you, Gary,
but some people out there want you dead.

[Gary] Dead?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] They're called terrorists, Gary.
And they hate everything about you.

[Gary] Why? What did I do to them? I'm just a Broadway actor.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] It's not who you are, Gary, it's what you stand for.
And every single minute of every single day,
the terrorists are planning new ways to kill you
and everyone else who lives in a free country.
The only thing standing in their way is us.

[Gary] You?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Baxter, I think we can "valmorphanize" safely now.

VALMORPHANIZE

TEAM AMERICA

[Gary] Okay, a limousine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?

[Gary] No.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] So then you haven't seen everything.
And neither have we.
Last week in Paris, we caught four terrorists
with a weapon of mass destruction.
The terrorists are planning something very big.

[Gary] And just what does this have to do with me?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Our only hope is to have somebody act like a terrorist
who wants to help them carry out the attack.
An actor convincing enough to make the terrorists think he's one of them.

[Gary] This is crazy. I'm an actor, not a spy.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] That's all spying is: acting. And they say you're the best.
An actor with a double major in theatre and world languages?
Hell, you're the perfect weapon, Gary.

[Gary] Look out!

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis]  Right this way, you maverick renegade.
Welcome to Team Base.
Gary, this is Joe, all-star quarterback from the University of Nebraska.
He's a natural-born leader.

[Joe] I've heard a lot about your acting, Mr. Johnston.
Hope it's as good as they say it is.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] And this is Sarah,
the top empath from Berkeley's School for the Clairvoyant
in San Francisco.

[Sarah] I sense that you're slightly confused right now.

[Chris] That's supposed to be Carson's replacement, a fucking actor?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Don't mind Chris. He may be lacking courtesy,
but he's the best martial-arts expert Detroit has to offer.

[Chris] That's right, actor. Just stay the fuck away from me.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] And finally, we have our psychology expert. Where's Lisa?

[Lisa] Right here.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Gary, this is Lisa. She specializes in how the terrorists think.

[Lisa] Usually a case of malignant narcissism brought on during childhood.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] We've been doing our best to keep the world safe, Gary.
But now somebody has supplied the terrorists with WMDs.
And intelligence tells us they plan to use them.
Isn't that right, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] That is affirmative.

[Gary] I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.?

[Sarah] The most sophisticated computer in the world.

[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] I've intercepted communications that several terrorist groups
are being organized for one massive worldwide attack.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has gathered,
it would be 9/11 times 100.

[Gary] 9/11 times 100? Jesus, that's --

[Nihilist Penis] Yes, 91,000.

[Joe] Basically, all the worst parts of the Bible.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] So now you see why we need you.
We will disguise you as a terrorist and take you deep into the Middle East.
If your acting is successful, you'll be able to get us the information we need
to stop this whole thing from happening.
Of course, if you're not interested ...
there's the door.

[Gary] All right. Thanks.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Hmm.

[Lisa] Gary. Hey, hold on a second.
Don't you understand? Every country in the world is in danger.

[Gary] How is it my responsibility to do something?

[Lisa] Because like it or not, you're the one with the power to do something.

[Gary] I can't fight terrorists. I don't know anything about guns or jets.

[Lisa] That doesn't matter. If you wanna help people,
all that matters, Gary, is what you have here.
Just think about it, okay? Here, take this.
Baxter will take you wherever you wanna go. Just remember:
Your freedom's at stake too.

[Joe] What do you think Spottswoode sees in him?

[Lisa] I don't know. But I think I see it too.

[Gary] Hey, Baxter.
I wanna take a detour.

[Song] What would you do
If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom?
What would you do
If asked to make the ultimate sacrifice?
Would you think about all them people
Who gave up everything they had?
Would you think about all them war vets
And would you start to feel bad?
Freedom isn't free
It costs folks like you and me
And if we don't all chip in
We'll never pay that bill
Freedom isn't free
No, there's a hefty fucking fee
And if you don't throw in your buck o'five, who will?
Buck o'five
Freedom costs a buck o'five

NORTH KOREA, ASIA: 5,945 MILES WEST OF AMERICA [LC-2]

[Kim Jong Il] [Speaking in Korean]

[Translator] Our dear leader, Kim Jong Il, says the weapons of mass destruction
you requested are ready for you to take.

[Chechnyan Terrorist] I am still in the process of recruiting
and training new terrorists for the attack.
We take weapons later.

[Kim Jong Il] Speaking in Korean]

[Translator] He asks what part of the deal you did not understand.
He says perhaps his translator did not make it clear to you.
He says he should fire his translator?

[Kim Jong Il] Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am?
I cannot berieve that I have a Chechnyan standing here terring me
when he's gonna take a derivery.
Herro?

[Chechnyan] Perhaps we can be ready sooner.

[Kim Jong Il] Yes, perhaps you can.
Now, take your weapons of mass destruction
and get the fuck out of here.

[Gary] I had to come back.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I know you did, son.

[Chris] I still say this is a fucking mistake.

[Sarah] Stop it, Chris. I sense that you're making him feel intimidated.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Gary, I'm afraid there's no time.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. tells us the attack is imminent.
We need you to act like a Middle Eastern terrorist right away.

[Gary] There's just one problem. I don't look Middle Eastern.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] [Chuckles]
Leave that to us.

[Lisa] Sarah's a professional at skin grafting and laser "valmoriphication."

[Sarah] Just try to be still.

PROBOSCIS MODIFICATION ACTIVATED

MANDIBLE MODIFICATION ACTIVATED

IRIS PIGMENTATION ACTIVATED

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Amazing.

[Lisa] The valmoriphication completely worked.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Sit up and take a look, Gary.

[Joe] It's uncanny.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] You're going to fool everyone, Gary.
Or should I say ...
Hakmed.
All right, team, we've only got one shot at this, so listen up.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. has intercepted communications
that terrorists from different countries are gathering at a tavern here,
in Cairo.

[Joe] Cairo. That's in Egypt.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Exactly right, Joe.
Now, team, your mission will be to get Gary into that tavern.
And once he's on the inside, cover his back.
Gary, you must use your acting to find out
any information you can from the terrorists.
Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown
and the terrorists take you prisoner,
well, you'll probably want to take your own life.
Here, you'd better have this.
All right, team, that's it. We've got a job to do.
Let's go police the world.

[Song] America
America
America, Fuck, yeah
Coming again to save
The motherfucking day, yeah
America, Fuck, yeah
Freedom is the only way, yeah
Terrorists, your game is through
'Cause now you have to answer to
America, Fuck, yeah
So lick my butt And suck on my balls
America, Fuck, yeah
America, Fuck, yeah

[Chris] What if the old man is wrong about him, huh?
What if he's not the great actor Spottswoode says he is?

[Joe] Why don't you trust actors, Chris?

[Chris] I got my reasons.

[Lisa] You all right, Gary?

[Gary] I was just thinking.
On-stage, if I mess up a line, it could mean a bad review.
If I mess up here,
we're all dead.

[Lisa] I believe you can do this, Gary.

[Gary] Why? What reason do you have to believe?

[Lisa] Sometimes believing is all we have.

CAIRO, MIDDLE EAST: 5,621 MILES EAST OF AMERICA

WE PROTECT, WE SERVE, WE CARE

[Sarah] Fear not, Muslim friends. We're here to find terrorists.
I'm clearing your minds of all anxiety.

[Joe] All right, good job, Sarah. Now, everyone make for the tavern.

[Chris] Let's get one thing straight, actor. I don't trust you.
If you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass
so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it?

[Gary] What's your problem with me?

[Chris] Yeah, you wanna go?

[Joe] Guys, guys, guys!
Don't you see this is just what the terrorists want us to do?
The war is out there, man. Out there. Now, pull it together.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] All right, team, let's move to the inner city. Keep it quiet.

[Joe] Clear.

[Lisa] Clear.

[Chris] Clear.

[Sarah] Clear.

[Joe] Gary, you follow me. The rest of the team,
take super-secret hiding positions Alpha One.
All right, that's the tavern with the blue door.
Remember, if you think they're onto you, give us the signal.
You remember the signal?
That's right. All right, good luck.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Go get them, cowboy.

[Muslim] Durkah Allah Muhamad Jihad.

[Gary] [Silence]

[Muslim] Bhagara, Muhamad Jihad!
Bhagara, Muhama Jihad! Jurkha, jurkha, Mohamad Jihad! Mohamad Jihad!

[Chris] Oh, shit.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Come on, Gary, act. You have the power.

[Gary] Bak, durk durk allah. Durka durka Mohamad Jihad. Haka sherpa sherpa bakala.

[Muslim] Oh, durka, durka, durka.

[Sarah] All right, Gary!

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Told you he was top gun.

[Joe] I've never seen acting that good.

[Lisa] He's amazing.

[Terrorist] Yeah, no, I know. It's terrible, terrible.

[Rebel] We are Bashir rebels from the country of Somalia. Who are you?

[Gary] My name is Hakmed. I'm a terrorist.
Anybody know of any terrorist attacks coming up soon?

[Sarah] I sense that I'm becoming attracted to Gary.

[Lisa] My advice is not to get involved with a team member, Sarah.
It's too painful to see them die.

[Sarah] I'm sorry, Lisa. I didn't mean to bring up --

[Lisa] It's okay, Sarah. I treasure your friendship.

[Sarah] I treasure yours, Lisa.

[Chris] Hey, have you ever thought of telling Sarah how you feel?

[Joe] What would a girl like Sarah want with a simple Nebraska boy like me?
I don't know nothing about fancy cars and fancy restaurants.
Still, I'd love to show her a full-moon night on the cornfields.

[Men] [Talking Muslim]

[Terrorist] [Speaking Muslim]

[Chechnyan] What do you know?

[Gary] I heard there might be a large terrorist attack.
If you tell me what it is, maybe I could help out.

[Chechnyan] Get out of here. We have put out a jihad on the infidels
because they destroyed our lives.
What do you know about pain and sadness?

[Gary's brother] Gary. Help me! Help me!
Get him off! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

[Gary] I was just a boy when the infidels came to my village
in their Black Hawk helicopters.
The infidels fired at the oil fields and they lit up like the eyes of Allah.
Burning oil rained down from the sky and cooked everything it touched.
I could only hide myself and cry as my goats were consumed
by the fiery, black liquid death.
In the midst of the chaos,
I could swear that I heard my goats screaming for help.
As quickly as they had come, the infidels were gone.
It was on that day I put a jihad on them.
And if you don't believe it, then you better kill me now,
because I'll put a jihad on you too.

[Chechnyan] I like you. You have balls.
I like balls.
All right, listen carefully. The WMDs are located
in a secret bunker 20 yards east of this building.
You can help us by guarding it and making --

[Terrorist] [In Muslim]

[Chechnyan] Come. They're onto us!
Hurry, friend. We must make our escape.

[Joe] Shit. I've got five terrorists going southeast on Baka laka daka Street.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Don't let them get away.

[Sarah] I sense Gary's trapped inside the tavern.

[Joe] Copy, Sarah. You get Gary, we'll go after the terrorists.

[Song] America
America, Fuck, yeah
Coming again to save the motherfucking day, yeah
America, Fuck, yeah
Freedom is the only way, yeah
It's the dream that we all share
It's the hope for tomorrow

[Chechnyan] Go faster, you idiot.

[Terrorist] Die! Infidels!

[Joe] They're not stopping.

[Chris] They had their chance.
Missed. Wide right.

[Joe] One of the terrorists is trying to tell us something.

[Gary] It's me. It's me.

[Joe] Looks like he's saying, "Kiss me. Kiss me."

[Chris] Smartass motherfucker.

[Sarah] Gary?

[Terrorist] An infidel.
Kill her.

[Sarah] Gary?
Sarah to Team America Four.

[Chris] What you got, Sarah?

[Sarah] Gary isn't in the tavern. I think he may be with --

[Joe] Say again. You're breaking up.

[Sarah] Joe, do you copy?

[Lisa] I'll get him.

[Sarah] Lisa?

[Joe] I lost her.

[Chris] It's all right. We'll kill these guys, then we'll find out what she wants.

[Joe] Right.

[Gary] Hey, guys, I think we should pull over.

[Chechnyan] Pull over? Yes, of course.
Pull over, let them pass us, and when they turn around, we charge them.

[Terrorist] I love your balls.

[Chris] Shit, they got by me.

[Gary] What are we doing?

[Chechnyan] This jeep is filled with explosives.
We're going to take their lives and our own.

[Gary] We're gonna what?

[Chris] Hang on, Joe.

[Chechnyan] Die, infidels.

VALMORPHANIZE

[Chris] Surprise, cockfags!

[Decapitate Sphinx]

[Chris] All right. We fucking did it.

[Lisa] Spottswood, it's Lisa. Gary found the WMDs and the terrorists are down.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.

This is breaking news with Peter Jennings.

[Peter Jennings] Team America has once again pissed off the entire world
after blowing up half of Cairo.
And now some Hollywood celebrities are lashing out.
Alec Baldwin is head of the Film Actors Guild.

[Alec Baldwin] The Film Actors Build believes
ALEC BALDWIN -- F.A.G.
that what the world needs is compassion, not violence.
All that Team America does is create new enemies.

[Tim Robbins] Let me explain to you how this works.
TIM ROBBINS -- F.A.G.
You see, the corporations finance Team America.
And then Team America goes out, and the corporations sit there in their --
In their corporation buildings, and, see, they're all corporation-y,
and they make money.

[Sean Penn] Last year I went to Iraq.
Before Team America showed up, it was a happy place.
SEAN PENN -- F.A.G.
They had flowery meadows and rainbow skies
and rivers made of chocolate, where the children danced
and laughed and played with gumdrop smiles.

[Peter Jennings] The actors are calling for an emergency meeting.
Already expected to attend are Helen Hunt,
F.A.G.
George Clooney,
F.A.G.
Liv Tyler,
F.A.G.
Martin Sheen,
F.A.G.
Susan Sarandon,
F.A.G.
Janeane Garofalo
F.A.G.
and Matt Damon.
F.A.G.

[Matt Damon] "Matt Damon."

[Peter Jennings] In the meantime, the world wants to deal with dangerous individuals
their own way.

[General] Sir, Hans Blix is here from the United Nations.

[Kim John Il] Hans Brix? Oh, no.
Oh, herro, great to see you again, Hans.

[Hans Blix] Mr. Il, I was supposed to be allowed to inspect your palace today,
and your guards won't let me into certain areas.

[Kim Jong Il] Hans, Hans, Hans. We've been through this a dozen times.
I don't have any weapons of mass destruction, okay, Hans?

[Hans Blix] Then let me look around so I can ease the U.N.'s collective mind.

[Kim Jong Il] Hans, you're breaking my barrs here. Hans, you're breaking my barrs.

[Hans Blix] I'm sorry, but the U.N. must be firm with you.
Let me see your whole palace or else.

[Kim Jong Il] Or else what?

[Hans Blix] Or else we will be very, very angry with you.
And we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are.

[Kim Jong Il] Okay, I'll show you, Hans. You ready?
Stand a rittle to your reft.
A rittle more.
Good.
There you go, Hans Brix.
How you rike that, you fucking cocksucker?
Do you have any idea how fucking busy I am, Hans Brix?
Well, fuck you. You want inspection?
Well, inspect that, you buttfucking piece of shit.
What, you think I'm just a petty arms dealer?
I'm pranning the attack.
Congratulations, Team America, you have stopped nothing.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Congratulations, Gary. You've done an amazing thing.
It will be years before the terrorists have the resources to attack again.

[Joe] We're gonna be unstoppable with you on the team, Gary.
Terrorists, your game is through.

[Sarah] You're the best, Gary.

[Joe] So this terrorist is shooting at us from the back of his jeep, and he ...

[Chris] You might have all the others fooled, but not me.
Your acting was reckless and it put us all in danger.
The next time you pull a stunt like that, I'll drill two holes through your dick
so that when you pee, it shoots out in all different directions. You got it?

[Joe] Hey, Sarah, do you mind if I dance with you?

[Sarah] No, of course not, Joe.
Joe, do you think it's okay for team members to date?

[Joe] Sarah, really?

[Sarah] Yeah. Do you think it's all right?

[Joe] I think it's better than all right. It's great!

[Sarah] Oh, good. I'm so glad you think so.

[Owl Sounds] [Whoo, whoo, whoo] [Minerva/Lisa approaching]

[Lisa] Gary? You okay?

[Gary] I was just wondering if I can let go of an old, painful memory.

[Lisa] Is it anything that you wanna talk about?

[Gary] When I was a kid, I always looked up to my older brother, Tommy.
He was the jock, and I was the little performer.
We were all out at the zoo one day.
I was doing some acting, walking on the railing of the gorilla exhibit.
I fell in.
Everyone screamed, and Tommy jumped in after me,
forgetting that he had blueberries in his front pocket.
The gorillas just went wild.
They jumped all over his body and threw him around like a rag doll
to get to those blueberries.
One gorilla would throw him to another gorilla, who tossed him to another.
Everyone panicked and cried out for somebody to help,
but it was too late.
The gorillas beat him to death before the zookeepers could gas them all.
My acting ...
got my brother killed.
I've had to live with that ...
every single day.

[Lisa] Gary, you can't blame yourself for what gorillas did.

[Gary] I think I can finally let it go.
Because my acting saved the entire world.
And something even better happened.

[Lisa] What?

[Gary] I met somebody who took my breath away.

[Lisa] Gary, no.

[Gary] I'm sorry.

[Lisa] It's just ... Things are really complicated, Gary.

[Gary] I know about Carson.
I know how it feels.

[Lisa] God, I'm so confused.
It's too soon to be having feelings for you.

[Gary] Maybe feelings are feelings because we can't control them.

[Lisa] But I have to control them
because I can't go through losing somebody again. It's too painful.

[Gary] So -- So, what, you're just gonna shut down?
I really like you.
There's no chance we can ever be together?

[Lisa] Only if you could promise me you'll never die.

[Gary] You know I can't promise that.

[Lisa] If you did that, I would make love to you right now.

[Gary] I promise. I will never die.

[Song] I need this, I need love, I need you.
I don't need one heartbeat, I need two
There's an emptiness I need to fill
And only one emptiness will do
Only a woman can brighten up my day
Only a woman can touch me the right way, yeah
Only a woman is allowed to touch me there
All I ask is that you're a woman
All I ask is that you're a woman
[She shits on his face]
Please just be a woman

[Gary] Lisa, you're the most amazing person I've ever met.
It's only been a short time, but I think that I'm completely in love --

[Lisa] Shhh ...
Let's not talk.

[Gary] I can't help it. This just feels so right,
and I don't want anything to mess it up.

[Lisa] Shhh...
There's not a thing in the world that can mess this up.

PANAMA CANAL, CENTRAL AMERICA: 2,193 MILES SOUTH OF THE REAL AMERICA

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Team, I'm afraid I have bad news.
At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack.

[Lisa] What?

[Sarah] But how can that be?
Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. was wrong.
about the Chechnyans being in charge.
That was bad, I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] I'm sorry.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] We have to find out who did this and take them down. Fast.

[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] Sir, I am intercepting communications about the terrorists' identities.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] On screen.

This is breaking news with Peter Jennings.

[Peter Jennings] An attack in Panama today has left thousands dead.
Taking credit were terrorists from Derka Derkastan.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Of course, Derka Derkastan.

[Peter Jennings] The terrorists claim that the attack was a retaliation
for Team America's actions in Cairo.
Alec Baldwin is rallying all the members of the Film Actors Guild.

[Gary] Alec Baldwin?

[Lisa] Gary?

[Gary] He's my hero.
The single greatest actor of all time.

[Alec Baldwin] Who is to blame for these attacks in Panama?
The terrorists?
The person who supplied them with WMDs?
No. Blame Team America.
Their reckless disregard in Cairo brought on this violence today.
Team America, the blood of the victims of Panama is on your hands.

[Peter Jennings] Moved by Baldwin's impassioned speech,
hundreds of people turned out at Mount Rushmore today to protest.
Peace is Patriotic; TEAM AMERICA: ENEMIES OF FREEDOM!
TEAM AMERICA IS BAD!

[Sarah] Hey, that's here.

[Peter Jennings] Tom, it looks like filmmaker Michael Moore
is also jumping on the "Fuck Team America" bandwagon.

["Michael Moore"] Protesting is not enough.
We must take radical action against the fascists in our own country.
Bring it down! Bring it all down!

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Team, if the Derka Derkastanis have weapons of mass destruction,
I'm afraid it could be 9/11 times 1,000.

[Sarah] Jesus, you mean ...?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Yes.
Nine hundred and eleven thousand.

[Chris] Then forget all these assholes. We got work to do.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Yes, let's get Gary valmorphanized so he can use his acting.

[Gary] My acting?
My acting? My acting just got a thousand people killed.
Jesus, I've done it again.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Pull yourself together, Gary. We need you now more than ever.

[Gary] I'm through with this.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Gary, you can't go.
Without you, the team is doomed.
Remember, there is no "I" in Team America.

[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] Yes, there is.

[Lisa] I know it's hard, Gary.
But you're still the only hope to stop these newer terrorists.

[Gary] Why me? Why am I the only one?

[Lisa] Because you're the one with the power to --

[Gary] Well, I don't want the fucking power!
I don't want the guilt, I don't want the shame
and I don't want the responsibility.

[Lisa] Then what about all the things you promised last night?
You said you'd never leave.

[Gary] I said I'd never die. But now I'm dead inside.

[Sarah] You slept with Gary?

[Lisa] Sarah.

[Sarah] But you knew I liked Gary.
I told you.

[Joe] You like Gary?
Oh, I see.

[Lisa] I didn't plan on it happening, Sarah.

[Sarah] Save it, Lisa.

[Gary] You see? All I do is hurt people.

[Lisa] Gary, you didn't kill your brother. Those gorillas did.

[Gary] I'm sorry I'm not the man you think I am.
I'm just bad news.
I'll never act again.

[Chris] Fuck him. We don't need an actor.
We can take out the Derka Derkastanis
the old-fashioned way.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] No. It would be a suicide mission.

[Joe] That's all right. I feel a little bit like dying.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Goddamn it, Gary.

[Song] America Fuck, yeah
Coming again to save the motherfucking day, yeah
America Fuck, yeah
Freedom is the only way, yeah
Terrorists, your game is through
'Cause now you have to answer to
America, fuck, yeah
America, fuck

[Gary's brother] Gary! Help me! Get this thing off of me! Gary!

[Joe] All right, team. We're nearing Derka Derkastan.
Let's get ready.
Look out! We've got terrorist aircraft.

[Terrorist] I Derka derka.

[Terrorist] I Mohamad Ali.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] There's only five of them, team. This should be easy.

[Lisa] I've got Korean aircraft at 1 o'clock.

[Sarah] What are they doing here?

[Korean] [Speaking Korean]

[Kim Jong Il] Shoot them down. Rike dogs.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Kim Jong Il? Why is he helping terrorists?

[Sarah] I've got one on my tail!

[Korean] [Speaking in Korean]

[Joe] I got you, Sarah.

[Kim Jong Il] Bring in the submarines.

[Sarah] What the hell? Something's shooting at us from the water.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] It must be a Korean sub.

[Joe] Chris, you've gotta take them out.

[Chris] I'm already on it.

[Lisa] These guys really snuck up on us.

[Sarah] Yeah, there's a lot of that going around lately.

[Lisa] Sarah, you know I didn't mean to hurt you.

[Sarah] No, you just didn't care if you did.

[Joe] Now, come on, Sarah, that isn't fair.
Lisa can't help it if Gary has feelings for her.
Just like nobody can help it if you have feelings for Gary.

[Sarah] What is that supposed to mean?

[Chris] Oh, come on, Sarah. You mean you never realized
Joe has feelings for you?

[Sarah] Joe? But you're like a brother to me.

[Joe] That's all I ever am.  Like a brother.  It isn't fair.

[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] INTRUDER ALERT

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Hang on, team. Someone has broken into the hangar.
Baxter?

["Michael Moore"] Hey, Team America.
I got something for you.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] What the hell?

["Michael Moore"] Prepare to die.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Jesus titty-fucking ...
Christ!

[Sarah] Spottswoode!

[Joe] Oh, my God!

[Lisa] No. He can't be dead.
We've lost I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
I repeat, we have no I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

[Kim Jong Il] Their computers are down.
Attack!

[Lisa] Sarah!

[Sarah] I sense I'm going down.

[Joe] Sarah! God, Chris, you gotta help her.

[Chris] I'm on it. Just hang on, Sarah.
Oh, fuck, I've been hit.

[Lisa] Chris, come in.
 Oh, Jesus, I'm hit!

[Joe] Lisa!

[Lisa] Going down.

[Chris] Goddamn it,
I'm gonna have to breach.

[Lisa] I'm gonna hit the water.

[Joe] Missile lock. I've got missile lock.
I've gotta bail out.

[Kim Jong Il] Salvage their ships. If you find anyone arive, you know what to do with them.
Terrorists on screen.
Okay, who brew up Panama Canal?

["Terrorist"] We were angry about Cairo.

[Kim Jong Il] Goddamn it, how many times do I have to tell you?
You don't use the WMDs until you see the signal.
I have worked ten years on this pran.
It is a very precise and a compricated pran.
I am sick of you terrorists fucking it up.
Now, take the weapons where I told you
and wait for the goddamn signal this time. Goodbye.
Why is everyone so fucking stupid?

[Song] Why aren't more people interrigent? Rike me?
I'm so ronery
So ronery
So ronery and sadry arone
There is no one, Just me onry
Sitting on my rittle throne
I work rearry hard, And make up great prans
But nobody ristens, No one understands
Seems rike no one, Takes me seriousry
And so
I'm ronery
A little ronery
Poor rittle me
There's nobody I can rerate to
Feel like a bird in a cage
It's kind of sirry, But not rearry
Because it's firring my body with rage
I'm the smartest, most crever, Most physicarry fit,
But nobody else seems to rearize it
When I change the world
Maybe they'll notice me
And until then
I'll just be ronery
Yeah, a rittle ronery
Poor rittle me
I'm so ronery

[Song] What would you do
If you were asked to give up your dreams for freedom?
What would you do if asked to make the ultimate sacrifice?

[Man] Hey, weren't you the actor in that Broadway show?
Hey, yeah, it is you. Do that scene where everyone gets AIDS.

[Gary] I don't act anymore. I gave that up.

[Man] Oh, come on, man, just a scene.

[Gary] I said, get away from me!
I'm completely lost. I've hit rock bottom.

[Old Man] Easy, easy. You gotta calm down there, Chuck.

[Gary] I hurt people. I'm a dick.

[Old Man] Well, being a dick ain't so bad.
See, there are three kinds of people:
Dicks, pussies and assholes.
Pussies think everyone can get along and dicks just wanna fuck all the time
without thinking it through.
But then you got your assholes, Chuck.
And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything.
So pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while
because pussies get fucked by dicks.
But dicks also fuck assholes, Chuck.
And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get?
You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit.

[Bartender] All right, that does it. Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.
Get out of here, I said.

[Gary] Lisa!
Lisa. Lisa, are you here?

[Woman] Get out of the street, you fucking bum!
You gave up on life, didn't you?

[Alec Baldwin] My fellow actors, we live in a dark time.
The world is becoming more and more violent
and the idiots in charge are making it worse.
What the world needs is an international advisory committee
who truly understands global politics.
Namely, us.

[Helen Hunt] The time has come for us to start using our acting talents
in a different way.

[Ethan Hawke] Yes, we can use our powers to change the world.

[Tim Robbins] We will persuade everyone to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.

[Liv Tyler] If we focus our acting on global politics,
we can change everything and stuff.

[Janeane Garofalo] As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers
and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion.

[Matt Damon] Matt Damon.

[George Clooney] We've all done action films.
If anyone tries to get in our way, we'll show them just how tough
us actors really are.

[Alec Baldwin] I'm glad you all agree.
Because I've just been contacted by a very important political leader
who is bringing all the world leaders together
for a massive international peace conference.
And he wants us to be the keynote speakers.

[Matt Damon] Matt Damon!

[Alec Baldwin] Say hello to our new partner.

[Kim Jong Il] Herro.

[Joe] Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!

[Chris] I'm gonna fucking kill you!

[Kim Jong Il] You're not in a position to kill anyone, my red, white and brue friend.

[Lisa] So you're the bastard planning 9/11 times 1,000.

[Kim Jong Il] No. You think so small.
You see, I'm about to have an eraborate peace ceremony.
And while all the world's most important people are distracted here,
I will detonate the WMDs
which I have given to terrorists arr around the grobe.
It will be 9/11 times 2,356.

[Chris] My God, that's -- I don't even know what that is.

[Kim Jong Il] Nobody does.

[Joe] You heartless bastard. Why would you do such a thing?

[Kim Jong il] Because then there will be barance.
Every country will be a Third World country.
Just imagine it.
All around the world, there will be massive exprosions.
With nobody to guide them,
the people will break out into panic and rioting all over the earth.
The true nature of humanity is unreashed.
Dog eats dog, as everyone attacks everyone
and fends only for themselves.
Grobal stabirity unravels.
By the time my show is over, it will be far too rate.

[Joe] Your plan will fail.
You'll never keep the world leaders distracted here for nine hours.

[Kim Jong Il] Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin.

[Joe] Dear God.

[Kim Jong Il] You are the rast of a dying breed, the frag-waving American.
Well, your rittle dream will soon be over.
I must get back to pranning the ceremony now.
The film actors are on their way.
Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.

[Lisa] Having so little faith in humanity must make you a very lonely man.

[Kim Jong Il] You shall have a front-row seat.
Bring her upstairs.

[Sarah] Leave her alone, you son of a bitch!
Lisa, I treasure your friendship!

[Joe] Somebody has to stop this!

[Song] I miss you more than Michael Bay missed the mark
When he made Pearl Harbor
I miss you more than that movie missed the point
And that's an awful lot, girl, And now
Now you've gone away
And all I'm trying to say
is Pearl Harbor sucked
And I miss you
I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school
He was terrible in that film
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
He's way better than Ben Affleck, And now
all I can think about is your smile
And that shitty movie too
Pearl Harbor sucked
And I miss you
Pearl Harbor sucked
Just a little bit more than I miss you

[Gary] Oh, my God. What the hell happened?
Hello? Anybody?

[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] Greetings, Mr. Johnston.

[Gary] I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., what the hell happened?

[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] Our base was attacked by a giant socialist weasel.

[Gary] But where's the team?

[I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.] They have been taken prisoner by Kim Jong Il in North Korea.
I have intercepted communications that he is planning
the massive attack during a peace ceremony.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Don't move, protester, or I'll blow your commie brains out.

[Gary] Nihilist Penis [Spottswoode].

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Johnston?
What the hell are you doing here?
Get away from I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
I'm using it to blow up North Korea.

[Gary] No! The team is in North Korea.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I know. And so are the triggers to WMDs poised all around the globe.
My only option now is to blow up Kim Jong Il
and everything around him before he can set them off.
I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate detonation sequence on the ships.

[Gary] You'll kill them all.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] It's what they would want me to do, Gary.
They would happily give their lives for the good of the world,
something you don't understand!

[Gary] There has to be another way.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] There's nobody left to stop Kim Jong Il.

[Gary] Let me go.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] You? You're a buttfucking quitter.
You walked out, Gary. The team went on a mission without you.
And without an actor, they were like pigs to the slaughter.
I'm supposed to leave the fate of the world in your hands?

[Gary] I know I walked out, but I'd do anything to take it back.
Please, just let me help.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] You've done enough.

[Gary] Please, Spottswoode, you have to believe in me.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I want to believe in you, Gary, I really do.
But you've let me down before.

[Gary] Please, how can I make you trust me?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I remember the first time we met.
You were a simple Broadway actor afraid to get in my limo
because you thought I wanted you to perform oral sex on me.
Do you remember that?

[Gary] Yeah.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] And now the tables are turned, and I don't know if I can trust you.

[Gary] Just give me a chance.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] All right, I'll trust you.
But only if you ...
will perform oral sex on me.

[Gary] What?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Right here, right now.

[Gary] You can't be serious.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Oh, I am serious.
Look, this is my serious face.

[Gary] What will that prove?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] It will prove that you are truly ready
to lay everything on the line.
To throw away all your inhibitions and give 100 percent.
We must go back to that first night we met, that first issue of trust.
Don't you see?

[Gary] No. I thought you weren't gay.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust.
It's the eye of the needle, Gary, and we must both pass through it.
Okay, let's do it.
I'll make sure nobody's watching.
Yeah, it looks clear.
Okay, go.

[Gary] There must be another way.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I guess you won't do everything to take it all back, will you, Gary?

[Gary] No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on.
You're saying if I do that, you'll let me help the team?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I'll give you all the time I can.
Okay, let's do it.
Here we go.
And go.
You are dedicated.
Now, let's go get cleaned up.
If you're going to storm Kim Jong Il's palace single-handed,
we have to make you a complete soldier in very little time.

[Gary] How we gonna do that?

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] I think I know just what we need.

[Song] The hour's approaching to give it your best
And you've got to reach your prime
That's when you need to put yourself to the test
And show us a passage of time
We're gonna need a montage
Montage
It takes a montage
Montage
Show a lot of things happening at once
Remind everyone of what's going on
And with every shot show a little improvement
To show it all would take too long
That's called a montage|
Montage
Girl, we want a montage
Montage
In anything, if you want to go
From just a beginner to a pro
You need a montage
Montage
Even Rocky had a montage
Montage
Always fade out in a montage
Montage
If you fade out it seems like more time has passed
In a montage
Montage

[Kim Jong Il] Radies and gentlemen.
The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong Il are preased to welcome you
to the International World Peace Ceremony.
The most important people from every country
are gathered here in soridarity to cerebrate peace.
There will be music, dancing and, of course,
the biggest stars in Horrywood.
In the box to your reft is the mastermind of this spectacurar show,
the multitarented Kim Jong Il.
Oh, herro.
And now we present to you the very best in North Korean music.

[Korean Soldiers] [Singing in Korean]

[Korean Lady] [Singing in Korean]

[Kim Jong Il] Ten years of pranning, and finarry the night is here.
The terrorists know to be in position by the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.
That's when I trigger all the WMDs to go off at the same time.
you will see the true ugriness of human nature.

[Lisa] Your plan will never work. Something will stop it.

[Kim Jong Il] You stupid, naive Team Americans.
You berieve in true rove and happy endings
even while the world around you spirals downward.

[Lisa] Sometimes believing is all we have.

[Alec Baldwin] And as the leaders of your countries, you have the power
to bring the world together under the principles of the Film Actors Guild.

[Danny Glover] You're gonna knock them dead, Alec.

Ten minutes, Mr. Baldwin.

[Korean Policeman] Who the hell you?

[Gary] I'm with the Film Actors Guild. I'm here to help with the broadcast.

[Korean Policeman] Then you show credentials.

[Gary] Hey, you don't need to see my credentials.
I left them at home and I'm running late.

[Korean Policeman] I berieve him.

[Korean Policeman] Yeah, me too.
Okay, have a nice day.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] My God, his acting is better than ever.

[Gary] Don't worry, fellas, I've got my pass right here.

[Joe] Please, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins,
You don't understand what Kim Jong Il is doing.

[Martin Sheen] Shut up. We have explicit instructions to watch you.

[Tim Robbins] Yeah. We're supposed to be guards.

[Martin Sheen] We're guards.

[Tim Robbins] We're guards, huh? We're guards.

[Martin Sheen] We're guards.

[Police] Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins. Someone has broken into the main hall.

[Tim Robbins] What? Come on, Martin!

[Sarah] Gary?

[Chris] What the fuck are you doing here?

[Gary] Guys, are you all right? Where's Lisa?

[Joe] What the heck do you care? You walked out on her.

[Gary] Look, I wanna make things right.
Here, Spottswoode's monitoring from the base.

[Sarah] Spottswoode is dead, Gary.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Not as dead as you think.
Yes, I'm here, Joe.

[Sarah] All right, you're alive!

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Great to hear your voices again.
Now we've got to get Lisa and stop Kim Jong Il.

[Chris] I'm not going anywhere with this fucking traitor.

[Joe] What makes you think we'll take you back, douchebag?

[Chris] We're doing this without you!

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Now, hold on, team.
Gary has already proven to me
that he is 100 percent committed to the team.
He proved it last night by sucking my cock.

[Joe] All right. Come on, team, we gotta find that stage.

[Kim Jong Il] Rook how much they rove my show. The entire audience is so captivated.
And now you see, the new world is inevitabre.

[Lisa] It's what?

[Kim Jong Il] Inevita -- Inevitabre.

[Lisa] One more time.

[Kim Jong Il] Inevitabre!
Things are inevitabry going to change.
Goddamn it, open your fucking ears.

Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin.

[Alec Baldwin] Thank you.

[Martin Sheen] Alec, we have a problem.

[Tim Robbins] Team America escaped.

[Alec Baldwin] What? You fools. They'll ruin everything.

[Helen Hunt] We better warn everyone. They'll be headed here.

[Alec Baldwin] If violence is all those bastards understand, then violence they'll get.
Every actor, grab a gun and keep Team America
from reaching this ceremony at all costs.

[Sean Penn] Qapla!

[Everyone] Qapla!
Qapla!

[Tim Robbins] I swear they won't reach this stage.

[Chris] Jesus! What have we got?

[Joe] Looks like George Clooney and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.

[Sarah] Look out, it's Ethan Hawke and Janeane Garofalo.

[George Clooney decapitated]

[Chris] Drop your weapons.

[Ethan Hawke blown to pieces]

[Janeane Garofolo] Fucking die!

[Janeane Garofolo's head blown off]

[Joe] We gotta split up.
Sarah, you and Gary go that way. Chris and I will go right.

[Sarah] No, I think I'd rather team up with you, Joe.

[Chris] I guess you're with me, cockfag.

[Sarah] Danny Glover!

[Danny Glover] Come on, Penn.
We must protect the show.

[Sean Penn] Right.

[Sarah] The stage must be that way.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!

[Sean Penn] Very impressive, warmongers.
Now let's see how Kim Jong Il's panthers treat you.
I went to Iraq, you know!

[Chris] Susan Sarandon.

[Susan Sarandon] Oh, thank God.
We have to stop the ceremony. Kim Jong Il is mad.
Here, let me loose. I'll show you where the theatre is.

[Chris] All right.

[Joe] No, Chris, stay away from her.

[Chris] Fuck you. She wants to help us.

[Gary] No, Chris, she's acting.

[Susan Sarandon] I am not. The others tied me up
because I wouldn't go along with their plans.

[Gary] Your skills are fading with age, Miss Sarandon.

[Susan Sarandon] You shall die a peasant's death!

[Susan Sarandon splat on the pavement]

[Chris] Jesus titty-fucking Christ.
I could've sworn she was telling the truth.

[Gary] That's why they call it acting. Come on, we gotta find Lisa.

[Chris] I was 19 years old when the musical Cats came to our town.
I couldn't wait to see it.
After the show, I was asked if I wanted to go meet
some of the performers backstage. Man, I was thrilled.
But when I got back there, they were drunk and out of control.
Rumpus cat and Macavity kept feeling up my leg.
I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer held me down and ...
I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.

[Gary] That's why you don't trust actors.

[Chris] I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.
If there's still a world left when this is all over,
I'd like to buy you a beer.
Come on, let's go. We're running out of time.

[Joe] Sarah, before we die, I want to finally tell you that I love you.

[Sarah] No. No, I'm not gonna let it end like this.
We are not your enemy, furry ones. You will not attack us.

[Joe] Sarah, that isn't going to work. You don't really have mental powers.

[Sarah] Your captors are behind you, Shebas. Show your anger to them.

[Sean Penn] [Laughs]

[Danny Glover decapitated]

[Sean Penn neck torn out]

[Joe] Sarah, you did it!

[Gary] Wait. Hold on.
Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theatre.
Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our --

[Chris] Gary!

[Tim Robbins] Actors, ho!

[Helen Hunt] Helen Hunt.

[Samuel Jackson] Samuel Jackson.

[Matt Damon] Matt Damon.

[Samuel Jackson] Motherfucker.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Gary, Chris, come in.

[Kim Jong Il] And now, radies and gentlemen, Mr. Arec Barrwin.

[Alec Baldwin] We are here to usher in a new era without violence.
By following the rules of the Film Actors Guild,
the world can become a better place
that handles dangerous people with talk and reasoning.
That is the F.A.G. way.
One day you'll all look at the world us actors created and say,
"Wow. Good going, F.A.G.
You really made the world a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?"

[Kim Jong Il] Yes, Arec Barrwin. Too bad there won't be a world reft.

[Lisa] Oh, God, no.

[Kim Jong Il] You see? No Prince Charming rode on a white stallion to save the day.
This is the real world.
I'm afraid your world is over.
In five minutes.
Yes, the ticking crock.

[Tim Robbins] Sorry, Team America, but you see, we must live in a time of peace.

[Joe] Put down the gas can now.

[Tim Robbins] Kill them.

[Chris] Jackson!

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Team, you've got to hurry.

[Helen Hunt] Let's go, bitch. I've done action films.
Come on.

[Matt Damon] Matt Damon!

[Helen Hunt cut in half]

[Samuel Jackson] Come on, stop trying to hit me and hit me.

[Samuel Jackson decapitateed]

[Tim Robbins] Don't fucking move!
Now, isn't that a shame.
You came so close to stopping peace.
But you see, peace always finds a way.
Goodbye, Team America.

[Chris] I've just got one piece of bad news for you, Robbins.

[Tim Robbins] What's that?

[Chris] I'm a smoker.

[Tim Robbins] [Screaming as he's burned to death]

[Audience] [Clapping]

[Alec Baldwin] Now that the world is going to be run peacefully,
we should all drive hybrid cars

[Kim Jong Il] Right now famiries are gathering in parks,
children are walking to school, friends are sitting in movie theatres.
All compretery unaware that the world is about to change forever.
All because of me.

[Gary] Stop that man.

[Lisa] Gary!

[Kim Jong Il] Team America?

[Alec Baldwin] Goddamn it.

[Joe] Sorry to interrupt the show everyone, but Kim Jong Il
is an international criminal. We're here to arrest him.

[Alec Baldwin] Oh, no, you're not.
This is a peace conference.
And if you even try to touch Kim Jong Il,
this audience and I will rise up against you.

[Man] Fuck off, Team America!

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Team, there's no time. You have to convince that audience
to let you do your job.

[Audience] [Booing]

[Joe] Gary, you've got to take the stage.

[Gary] No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.
He's the best actor in the world.

[Joe] You have to try.

[Gary] I'm not that good.

[Chris] Actually ...
you're the finest actor I've ever met.

[Audience] [Booing]

[Lisa] Come on, Gary, hurry. You've got to act fast.

[Gary] I know you all don't like Team America a whole lot right now,
but Kim Jong Il is a lot worse.

[Audience] [Booing]

[English woman throws a tomato]

[Alec Baldwin] You can't outact me, boy. Don't even try.
For the truth is that Team America fights for the billion-dollar corporations.
They are just as bad as the enemies they fight.

[Audience] [Clapping]

[Gary] Oh, no, we aren't. We're dicks!
We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks.
And the Film Actors Guild are pussies.
And Kim Jong Il is an asshole.
Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks.
But dicks also fuck assholes,
assholes who just wanna shit on everything.
Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way.
But the only thing that can fuck an asshole
is a dick with some balls.
The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much.
Or fuck when it isn't appropriate.

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Yes, Gary, yes.

[Gary] And it takes a pussy to show them that.
But sometimes pussies get so full of shit
that they become assholes themselves.
Because pussies are only an inch and a half away from assholes.
I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world ...
but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole ...
we are gonna have our dicks and our pussies ...
all covered in shit.

[Audience] [Clapping]

[Uganda Man] Show us what you're doing, Kim Jong Il.

[Kim Jong Il] Do something, Arec Barrwin!

[Alec Baldwin] The -- Global warming and -- Corporate America --

[Audience] [Booing]

[Kim Jong Il] You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.

[Audience] [Screaming]

[Kim Jong Il] Don't fucking move! You were all going to be treated
to a faburous show. But now party's over.
For I am the great Kim Jong Il.

[Gary] Lisa.

[Kim Jong Il] And I am the greatest terrorist ever to have rived.

[Lisa] Terrorize this.

[Gary] Lisa, are you okay?

[Lisa] No, Gary, the countdown.
You have to stop it.

[Gary] What do I do?

[Lisa] Hit the big "cancel" button!
Gary, how did you manage this?

[Gary] Spottswoode helped me.

[Lisa] Spottswoode? He's alive?

[Gary] Lisa, I'm crazy about you. Will you please forgive me if I --?

[Lisa] Shhh. You had me at "dicks fuck assholes."

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Attention, Attention, everyone.
All you in the audience should go to your homes now.
Your countries need you. But the world will be safe,
thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.

[Audience] [Clapping]

[Spottswoode/Nihilist Penis] Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is.
He's a man who knows
that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact.
A bond that cannot be broken.
He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees
and put that cock right in his mouth.

[Audience] [Clapping]

[Lisa] Wait a minute. Look!

[Kim Jong Il] You have not heard the rast of Kim Jong Il.
I will return!
You shall see. I will be back!
So rong, earthrings!

[Gary] We'll be here waiting for you, Kim Jong Il.

[Chris] All right, you guys, I hate to break up this little party,
but there's still a lot of bad guys out there.

[Gary] Well, then let's go show the bad guys the police are back in force.

[Lisa] Fuck, yeah.

[Gary] Fuck, yeah.

[Song] America
America
America, Fuck, yeah
Coming again to save the motherfucking day, yeah
America, Fuck, yeah

DIRECTED BY TREY PARKER
Freedom is the only way, Yeah

WRITTEN BY TREY PARKER & MATT STONE & PAM BRADY
Terrorists, your game is through

PRODUCED BY SCOTT RUDIN, TREY PARKER, MATT STONE
'Cause now you have to answer to
America, Fuck, yeah

EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: SCOTT AVERSANO, ANNE GAREFINO
So lick my butt and suck on my balls

DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: BILL POPE, ASC
America, Fuck, yeah

PRODUCTION DESIGNER: JIM DULTZ
What you gonna do when we come for you now?

EDITED BY THOMAS M. VOGT
It's the dream that we all share

COSTUME DESIGNER: KAREN PATCH
It's the hope for tomorrow
Fuck, yeah

VISUAL CONSULTANT: DAVID ROCKWELL

MUSIC SCORE BY HARRY GREGSON-WILLIAMS
McDonalds, Fuck, yeah
Wal-Mart, Fuck, yeah

CO-PRODUCERS: MICHAEL POLAIRE, FRANK AGNONE
The Gap, Fuck, yeah
Baseball, Fuck, yeah
NFL, Fuck, yeah

A SCOTT RUDIN MATT STONE PRODUCTION
Rock 'n' roll, Fuck, yeah
The Internet, Fuck, yeah

A TREY PARKER FILM
Slavery, Fuck, yeah

TEAM AMERICA WORLD POLICE
Fuck, yeah

______________

Librarian's Comment:

[LC-1] "Team America" is a modern-day "Protocols of Zion."  Same real, hidden actors (Skull & Bones) blaming the Muslims (and Koreans) for everything they themselves are behind and are planning (bombing the world back to the Stone Age).  And of course, they wanted to give you a clue:  "Spottswoode".  They hate it when no one knows.

  The International Jew, by Henry Ford wrote:

The Protocols [of the Learned Elders of Zion] have attracted much attention in Europe, having become the center of an important storm of opinion in England only recently, but discussion of them in the United States has  been limited. These are the documents concerning which the  Department of Justice was making inquiries more than a year  ago, and which were given publication in London by Eyre and Spottiswoode, the official printers to the British Government. 

The name "Spottswood" really means "Nihilist Penis."  

[LC-2] See Webster Griffin Tarpley's, "9/11 Synthetic Terror Made in USA":

RUSSIANS EXPOSE US-UK TERROR ROLE AFTER SCHOOL MASSACRE

In early September, 2004, terrorists attacked a school in Beslan, North Ossetia, in the Russian Federation. Before this hostage crisis was over, more than 300 people, over half of them children, were killed. On Monday. September 6, Russian President Vladimir Putin made remarks to the western press which exposed the key role of the US and British governments in backing Chechen terrorism. Whatever Putin's previous role in events regarding Chechnya, his post-Beslan political posture tended to undercut the legitimacy of the supposed Anglo-American "war on terror," and pointed up the hypocrisy of the Bush regime's pledge that it would make no distinction between the terrorists and those who harbor them -- since Washington and London were currently harboring Chechens implicated in terrorism. All in all, Putin's response to the Chechen events, on the eve of the third anniversary of 9/11, brought the collapse of the official 9/11 myth measurably closer. The hypocritical terror demagogy of Bush and Blair was now undercut by the head of state of another permanent member of the UN Security Council.

On Monday September 6, Putin spoke for three and one half hours with a group of some 30 western correspondents and Russia experts at his dacha near Novo Ogarevo outside Moscow. Most US press ignored these remarks. Putin, a KGB veteran who knew whereof he spoke, told the gathering that the school massacre showed that "certain western political circles would like to weaken Russia, just as the Romans wanted to destroy Carthage." He thus suggested that the US and UK, not content with having bested Russia in the Cold War, now wanted to proceed to the dismemberment and total destruction of Russia -- a Carthaginian peace like the one the Romans finally imposed at the end of the Punic Wars in 146 BC, when they poured salt into the earth at Carthage so nothing would ever grow there again. (Le Monde, September 8, 2004) There was no link between Russian policy in Chechnya and the hostage-taking in Beslan, said Putin, meaning that the terrorists were using the Chechen situation as a pretext to attack Russia. According to a paraphrase in Le Monde: "The aim of this international terrorism, supported more or less openly by foreign states, whose names the Russian president does not want to name, is to weaken Russia from the inside, by criminalizing its economy, by provoking its disintegration through propagating separatism in the Caucasus and the transformation of the region into a military staging ground (place d'armes) for actions directed against the Russian Federation."

"Mr. Putin," continued Le Monde, "restated the accusation he had launched in a veiled form against western countries which appear to him to use double-talk. On the one side, their leaders assure the Russian President of their solidarity in the fight against terrorism. On the other hand, the intelligence services and the military -- 'who have not abandoned their Cold War prejudices,' in Putin's words -- maintain contacts with those the international press calls the 'rebels.' 'Why are those who emulate Bin Laden called terrorists and the people who kill children, rebels? Where is the logic?' asked Vladimir Putin, and then gave the answer: 'Because certain political circles in the West want to weaken Russia just like the Romans wanted to destroy Carthage.' 'But, continued Putin, "we will not allow this scenario to come to pass."' Le Monde went on: "This is, according to [Putin] a bad calculation, because Russia is a factor of stability. By weakening it, the Cold War nostalgics are clearly acting against the interests of their own country." In Putin's words: "We are the sincere champions of this cooperation [against terrorism], we are open and loyal partners. But if foreign services have contacts with the 'rebels,' they cannot be treated as reliable allies, as Russia is for them." (Daniel Vernet, "M. Poutine accuse et s'explique sur sa 'guerre totale' au terrorisme," Le Monde, September 8, 2004)

In Guardian correspondent Jonathan Steele's account of the meeting with Putin, the Russian President gave this response to the US and UK on the question of negotiating with the Chechen guerrillas of Asian Maskhadov: "Why don't you meet Osama bin Laden, invite him to Brussels or to the White House and engage in talks, ask him what he wants and give it to him so he leaves you in peace? You find it possible to set some limitations in your dealings with these bastards, so why should we talk to people who are child-killers?" (London Guardian, September 7, 2004)

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On Saturday, September 4, Putin had delivered a national television address to the Russian people on the Beslan tragedy, which had left more than 300 dead, over half of them children. The main thrust was that terrorism constitutes international proxy warfare against Russia. Among other things Putin said: "In general, we need to admit that we did not fully understand the complexity and the dangers of the processes at work in our own country and in the world. In any case, we proved unable to react adequately. We showed ourselves to be weak, and the weak get beaten." "Some people would like to tear from us a tasty morsel. Others are helping them. They are helping, reasoning that Russia still remains one of the world's major nuclear powers, and as such still represents a threat to them. And so they reason that this threat should be removed. Terrorism, of course, is just an instrument to achieve these gains." "What we are dealing with, are not isolated acts intended to frighten us, not isolated terrorist attacks. What we are facing is direct intervention of international terror directed against Russia. This is a total, cruel and full- scale war that again and again is taking the lives of our fellow citizens." (Kremlin.ru, September 6, 2004; EIR, September 7, 2004)

Around the time of 9/11, Putin had pointed to open recruitment of Chechen terrorists going on in London, telling a German interviewer: "In London, there is a recruitment station for people wanting to join combat in Chechnya. Today -- not officially, but effectively in the open -- they are talking there about recruiting volunteers to go to Afghanistan." (Focus -- German weekly newsmagazine, September 2001) In addition, it is generally known in well-informed European circles that the leaders of the Chechen rebels were trained by the CIA, and that the Chechens were backed by US- sponsored anti-Russian fighters from Afghanistan. In the summer of 2004, US-UK backed Chechens destroyed two Russian airliners and attacked a Moscow subway station, in addition to the school atrocity.

Some aspects of Putin's thinking were further explained by a press interview given by Aslambek Aslakhanov, the Chechen politician who was one of Putin's official advisors. A dispatch from RIA Novosti reported Aslakhanov's comments as follows: "The terrorists who seized the school in Beslan, North Ossetia, took their orders from abroad. 'They were talking with people not from Russia, but from abroad. They were being directed,' said Aslambek Aslakhanov, advisor to the President of the Russian Federation. 'It is the desire of our "friends" -- in quotation marks -- who have probably for more than a decade been carrying out enormous, titanic work, aimed at dismembering Russia. These people have worked very hard, and the fact that the financing comes from there and that they are the puppet masters, is also clear." Aslakhanov, who was named by the terrorists as one of the people they were going to hold talks with, also told RIA Novosti that the bid for such "talks" was completely phony. He said that the hostage-takers were not Chechens. When he talked to them, by phone, in Chechen, they demanded that he talk Russian, and the ones he spoke with had the accents of other North Caucasus ethnic groups. (RIA Novosti, September 6, 2004; EIR, September 7, 2004)

On September 7, RIA Novosti reported on the demand of the Russian Foreign Ministry that two leading Chechen figures be extradited from London and Washington to stand

Page 393

trial in Russia. A statement from the Russia Foreign Ministry's Department of Information and Press indicated that Russia would put the United States and Britain on the spot about extraditing two top Chechen separatist officials who had been given asylum in Washington and London, respectively. They were Akhmad Zakayev, known as a "special representative" of Asian Maskhadov (currently enjoying asylum in London), and Ilyas Akhmadov, the "Foreign Minister" of the unrecognized "Chechen Republic- Ichkeria" (then residing in the USA). (RIA Novosti, September 7, 2004; EIR, September 8, 2004)

"SCHOOL SEIZURE WAS PLANNED IN WASHINGTON AND LONDON"

This was the headline of an even more explicit unsigned commentary by the Russian news agency KMNews.ru. This analysis blamed the Beslan school massacre squarely on the U.S. and British intelligence agencies. The point of departure here was that Shamil Basayev, the brutal Chechen field commander, had been linked to the attack (something that Putin advisor Aslambek Aslakhanov had said was known to the Russian FSB, successor of the KGB). The article highlighted the recent rapprochement of London and Washington with key representatives of Asian Maskhadov: Britain's giving asylum to Akhmad Zakayev (December 2003) and the USA's welcoming Ilyas Akhmadov (August 2004). Basayev, viewed in European circles as a straight-out CIA agent, openly claimed responsibility for the school massacre almost two weeks after the fact.

KMNews: CHECHEN TERROR BOSS ON US STATE DEPARTMENT PAYROLL

The Russian news agency KMNews wrote: "In early August ... 'Minister of Foreign Affairs of the Chechen Republic-lchkeria' Ilyas Akhmadov received political asylum in the USA. And for his 'outstanding services,' Akhmadov received a Reagan-Fascell grant," including a monthly stipend, medical insurance, and a well-equipped office with all necessary support services, including the possibility of meetings with political circles and leading U.S. media. "What about our partners in the 'anti-terrorist coalition,' who provided asylum, offices and money to Maskhadov's representatives?" asked the Russian press agency. Citing the official expressions of sympathy and offers of help from President Bush, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice, and State Department spokesman Richard Boucher, KMNews warned: "But let's not shed tears of gratitude just yet. First we should ask: were 'Special Representative of the President of CRI' Zakayev or 'Minister of Foreign Affairs of the CRI' Akhmadov, located in Great Britain and the USA, aware of the terrorist acts that were in preparation? Beyond a doubt  ...nd let's also find out, how Akhmadov is spending the money provided by the Reagan-Fascell Foundation. We note: this Foundation is financed by the U.S. Congress through the budget of the State Department! "Thus, the conclusion is obvious. Willingly or not, Downing Street and the White House provoked the guerrillas to these latest attacks. Willingly or not, Great Britain and the USA have nurtured the separatists with material, information and diplomatic resources. Willingly or not, the policy of London and Washington fostered the current terrorist acts." "As the ancients said, cui bono? Perhaps we are too hasty with such sweeping accusations against our 'friends' and 'partners'? Is there a motive for the Anglo-American 'anti-terrorist coalition' to fan the fires of terror in the North Caucasus?" "Alas, there is a motive. It is no secret, that the West is vitally interested in maintaining instability in the Caucasus. That makes it easier to pump out the fossil fuel extracted in the Caspian region, and it makes it easier to control Georgia and Azerbaijan, and to exert influence on Armenia. Finally, it makes it easier to drive Russia out of the Caspian and the Caucasus. Divide et impera! -- the leaders of the Roman Empire already introduced this simple formula for subjugation."

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